But You Are My Mom
by Old Russian Lady
Summary: What does the simple phrase "Red's not my mom" do to Red?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Thank you to Johanna-002 for the inspiration! Go check out her stories if you don't follow her already- amazing writing :)

Days.

Weeks.

Months.

Red was curled in her pathetic excuse for a bed for she didn't know how long. She didn't know how much time had passed, she didn't know what day of the week it was. Didn't even know the month.

Her child was gone and that's all she knew for sure.

 _Red's not my mom…_

Nicky's voice could be heard echoing in Red's mind for months.

 _*Flashback*_

Red was standing still in the hall way. Staring so hollowly at the doorway that Nicky was just taken through. She didn't know for how long she was there. People were passing by her, looking at her, asking if she was ok. She was silent. In shock, disbelief, heartbreak…she felt as though a hot knife was just plunged into her heart and dragged down to her stomach. She was hurting so bad, yet felt so numb inside.

Finally the door opened again, and the last person to have seen her girl, the one who drove Nikcy to max, was walking right up to her.

"Pennsatucky!" Red called out with more energy than she knew she had.

"Hiya, Red."

"How is she?" Red was desperate.

"Honestly?" Pennsatucky hesitated.

Red nodded her head vigorously, not yet letting her tears fall.

"She's probably going to hate max, well I mean everyone does, right? But she's probably going to be ok." Pennsatucky finished and started to walk away.

"Wait! What did she say? Did she say anything?" Red grabbed Pennsatucky by the arm, pleading with her for any detail she could pass along.

"Yeah but I don't know if you need to hear it." She said flatly.

"Of course I do! I'm her mother, tell me!"

"See that's the thing…" Pennsatucky slowed down as she saw Red getting angry at what she thought Pennsatucky was implying.

"She said 'Red's not my mom.'" Pennsatucky finished and backed away.

"What?" Red was in disbelief.

"Look that's just what she said. I asked her if she said bye to her family. She said what family. Then I said you know your mom. And that's when she said-"

"I'm not her mom." Red finished for her, letting a single tear trickle down her face as she realized what her girl's last words were.

Pennsatuky, not knowing Red all that well, simply walked away.

Red stood there thinking of her girl's face. One minute Nicky was smiling at her, the next _you're not my mom._

Red made her way to her bunk. Once there, she curled up on her side with her knees to her chest, finally crying her heart out like she never had before, not in prison and not in life.

 _You're not my mom. You're not my mom. You're not my mom._


	2. Chapter 2

Red's eyes opened very slowly, as they usually did. They were red and puffy, like they usually were. And they were trying to close because of the little sleep she got, like she usually did.

A commotion woke her up today. She was watching some of the girls running to what seemed to be the cafeteria which was odd because she was not going to even start cooking for another hour.

As Red sat up to try and figure out what was happening, she saw Lorna coming over to her, her eyes watery and red.

"Red…"

"What is it? What's the matter?" Red sounded more concerned than she felt if she was being honest. She didn't feel much these days, not since her girl had been taken.

"Nicky's back." Lorna got out, between sobs. "I would wait for you but I cant. Ive got to go see her."

"No, go. That's ok, I'll be there as soon as I can. Go!" Red forced a smile at her last command as Lorna ran off.

Red was wide awake at this point, trying to process what she was just told.

"Nicky's back." Red said aloud to no one but herself. "Nicky's back."

Red swung her feet over the edge of the bed and got dressed.

"My girl has come home to me." Red said this as if no truer words could be spoken, which was absolutely the case on her part. But Red was also dreading how Nicky would feel about her. If her last words were what they were, Red didn't know if Nicky was going to flat out reject her or not. Her heart was shattering as she thought of that possible outcome.

She was both elated and terrified to see Nicky. But no matter what, that was her daughter, no matter how Nicky felt and she was going to see her and be as authentic as possible; she wouldn't mask any feelings or force any either.

"She's my girl." Red whispered and headed off to the cafeteria.

Once there, Red's eyes went directly to Nicky's messy hair, like a moth to a flame. The second Red's eyes locked with Nicky's, she forgot all about Nicky's last words; right now they meant nothing because of how Red felt in this moment.

Red started to run, something she didn't realize she was doing until she got up to the circle of girl's surrounding hers. She gasped and stopped dead in her tracks.

Nicky looked at her in such a way that reminded Red of a newborn looking at her mother for the first time. And when Red walked over and took Nicky in her arms, she felt like the mother who was just given her newborn for the first time.

It took everything Red had not to cry in her daughter's arm. She still smelled like her, which was a silly thing to think otherwise but Red was simply overwhelmed with emotion.

Nicky said nothing, Red noted. Even when the guard told them to break it up. Red desperately wanted to say so many things to just Nicky in her ear.

I've missed you.

I'm so happy you're back.

I won't let anything else happen to you.

Don't worry, my sweet girl. I've got you.

I love you more than is good for my heart.

Just simple, little things to let Nicky know that she was still the light of her life. But she decided against it to see what Nicky would say to her. If anything, Red would ask Nicky to spend time with just her later tonight.

To Red's disappointment, Nicky remained silent as their embrace ended and other people began talking with her. _You're not my mom_ echoing in her head for the first time since she saw her Nicky. Red slipped away to the kitchen to start cooking breakfast.

From the outside, Nicky looked as happy and as silly as ever. But Red knew her. She could tell in her daughter's eyes that something was bothering her. Sure, her smile was there, her laugh was music to Red's ears, but it was all a front, Red could tell with ease, which only disappointed her more.

As the day went on, Red was able to catch Nicky when no one was around her, which took hours from the excitement of her coming back up the hill. Red walked over to Nicky, unusually nervous.

"Hey, Nicky." Red stood opposite her.

"Hey, it's been a while." Nicky's voice sounded so similar yet so foreign that Red's stomach started to churn.

"Will you come to the kitchen tonight? I'd like to…catch up." Red frowned at how stupid and unfamiliar that sounded.

"I'll be there." Nicky half smiled, which Red could tell was genuine, making her feel slightly better.

"Thank you, see you then." Red said as she walked away, upset with herself that she sounded so casual. This was Nicky for god's sake, not some new girl who just got in. Hopefully it would all be better once Red confronted Nicky about her not being her mom. The thought still making Red sick to her stomach.

The day was over before they knew it and everyone was settling down for evening. After Red's shower, she headed to the kitchen to start preparing the small dinner she had planned for Nicky. She was going to make some of Nicky's favorite things and have it all ready on a little table for them before Nicky arrived.

Once in the kitchen, Red began to cook and her mind began to wander, causing both excitement to have some alone time with her girl after all this time and to ask her about what Nicky said.

Red put the finally plate down just as Nicky had cleared her throat, announcing her presence. As if clearing her throat was the blank gun at the start of a race, Red's dread began like a sprinter starting a marathon.

"Hi." Red whispered.

"Hey, this looks amazing. You did this for me?" Nicky sounded genuinely touched, which relaxed Red ever so slightly.

"Yes, just some of your favorite things, nothing crazy." Red sounded shy and she didn't understand why.

"Nothing crazy? You know better than anyone if you tamper with food that isn't assigned for the day, you could get in trouble." Nicky walked over to one of the chairs Red had placed at either end of the table.

Red just shrugged in response.

"Thank you, it looks fantastic and it means a lot to me." Nicky sounded sincere, looking up at Red.

"I'm glad you like it." Red sat down, opposite Nicky, a little tense.

"What's wrong?" Nicky noticed Red hadn't relaxed in the past 10 minutes they had been eating.

"Ummm..." This was it, Red knew this moment was about to happen, the one she had been dreading for months. She played with the food on her plate with her fork. "It's just that…"

"What? You missed me?" Nicky said, teasing like she usually does, simply trying to lighten the mood but Red didn't want this to be light.

"Of course, I did!" Red said sternly, slamming her fist on the table, startling Nicky.

"You have my attention." Nicky gulped as if she were in trouble even though she knew she did nothing wrong. Red's out of nowhere anger didn't make sense.

"How was max? Hell? I heard it can be similar to that. So isolated, so alone that you make up people in your head. After a while you can't tell the difference between max and the psych ward."

"What are you doing?" Nicky hesitated as the horrible memories that Red was threatening to bring up started to come.

"What did you eat in there? Cardboard and toilet water? Did you even come close to having something like this? When is the last time someone hugged you before today? One of those giant bear hugs that you love so much? Did anyone do that for you?"

"Red, stop." Nicky couldn't control her eyes filling up with water.

"How about sleeping? Did you sleep safe and sound? Did you sleep good knowing that all you had was metal and a mattress so thin you could rip it in half and you had no one to comfort you? Had no one to curl up beside to brush your hair out of your face when you woke up because of a nightmare or couldn't fall asleep because it was too cold? Was there anyone down there for you like that?"

"Please…stop…" Nicky was letting her tears fall but not allowing herself to make any noise.

"Was there anyone encouraging you to stay good? Off of drugs and out of trouble? Anyone who threatened people's lives in order for them to stop feeding into this addiction that you must break? Was there anyone that you went to for words of comfort or encouragement or love?"

Nicky could not form words, she didn't know why red was doing this and didn't want to ask.

Red looked at Nicky crying uncontrollably in front of her because of the words she just said and hated that her first instinct was to go over to her daughter and comfort her. She fought this instinct with everything she had.

After several minutes and Nicky was able to speak again, although still not finished crying, she asked "Why'd you say all of those things to me?"

Red's heart broke into a million pieces and she regretted so much all of what she just said because of Nicky's small innocent voice. Red was too far into this and couldn't soften up now.

"You said I'm not your mom." Red said as clearly a she could.

"What?" Nicky sounded genuinely confused.

"When Pennsatucky came back into the prison I asked her if you had said anything and she said that you said that "'I am not your mom.'" Red let a tear trickle down her cheek but kept a stone-cold expression.

Nicky put her head in her hands and began another run of uncontrollable sobs.

Red's expression did not soften but her tears did fall more as she began, "I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night since you have been gone. I have only been able to eat every other day, if that. I haven't had a drink of water in weeks. The only time I've gotten out of bed is to pee and shower. I've cried so much that I don't think my body has anymore water in itself to make more tears. And yet here I am….crying in front of you.." Red brought up a napkin to dab under eyes. "I just…don't see…how you could've said that I… I'm not your mom when all I do…is love you…and take…take care of you…" Now Red was the one crying uncontrollably and not being able to get full sentences out. "Am I…am I not good enough…do I not do enough… to show you…how much you mean to me…how much I want you to be…better…and do…better…Nicky…I…I…love you so…much."

"My god, please…I didn't mean that…Red you have to know, that's not what I meant. She didn't tell you that after I said that I also said 'I wouldn't wish that on her.'"

"No..no, she didn't tell me that." Red sniffled.

"And what were our last words to each other?" Nicky pleaded, taking Red's hand in her own, sliding over so that their chairs were side by side.

"I asked you why you didn't come to me if you were struggling. You said because that's not what you do. And-"

"I love you." Nicky tried to smile at Red but could see how broken her heart was and couldn't finish the smile.

They were silent for a moment before Nicky spoke, tears coming in waves as each sentence came from her mouth. "I stopped the second meal they gave us. I was used to my mother's cooking and wasn't able to stomach anything else. I didn't eat for days and when I finally caved in order to survive, I only ate every couple of days. I didn't drink much because the water smelled like mold and always gave me a stomach ache afterwards. I was freezing and shivering every night, desperate for you to wrap your arms around me and I would cry just knowing how much warmth that your arms would give me. I would cry every night, wanting you to run your fingers through my hair, wanting you to tell me it was going to be ok. Then the nightmares came of the hell that I was in. My bunkmates would wake me up and tell me to stop screaming for my mommy to save me. You are all I wanted there and you're all I want here. I am so sorry you went months thinking that I didn't think of you as my mom or didn't want you as my mom. If I had known that it would've been a lot worse for me in there. I am sorry." Nicky finished with a big sigh and let her tears fall hard.

Red brought her hands up to Nicky's cheeks, cupping her face like she had wanted to for months.

"I am sorry I said all of those things to you. I see now that we both desperately wanted one thing."

"Each other." Nicky finished for her.

"Come here." Red cried as she pulled Nicky to her. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too. A lot." Nicky sighed, comfortable in her mother's arms.

"I'm so happy you're back." Red relaxed as she started to confess her heart. "I won't let anything else happen to you."

"You'll protect me, I know you will. You always do." Nicky's voice sounded like she trusted Red more than one and they both knew that to be true; it went both ways.

"Don't worry, my sweet girl. I've got you." Red soothed Nicky as her sobs became less frequent.

"I know you do and you'll never know how grateful I am to be back with you, where I belong. I love you, Mommy.

"Oh, Nicky. I love you more than is good for my heart."


End file.
